The Yellow Lamentations of the Brechewold Princess

Jesus, it's been too long. Has time truly progressed to this late date?

Here are my excuses:

1. Had a baby.

2. Any surplus energy has gone into Brechewold. Happy to report it is now done.

The Yellow Book of Brechewold will be published imminently by Lamentations of the Flame Princess. How imminently? If you’re going to Gen Con, James will sell you a book tomorrow. Sadly I will not be in attendance (see: baby). For the rest of us, it will be available on the lotfp.com web store August 11.

So what is it?

First of all, I think it may be the tamest and most trad-D&D book in the Lamentations catalogue. There are elves in it, for Christ’s sake. This makes me feel a bit inadequate, while at the same time filling me with a perverse sense of satisfaction.

Nevertheless, I think it was this description that sold James on the project: it is what would have happened if Jack Vance had written Harry Potter as a sequel to T.H. White’s The Once and Future King. There is a magic school founded by long-gone (?) Merlyn full of amoral scheming wizards and deep dungeons beneath. I think of the surrounding enchanted forest as a sort of medieval British Disneyland, with knights in shining armor, merry men, and the like. Hopefully Monty Python references are still cool in 2023.

I’ll be back with more Brechewold coverage later in the week. For now, check out the table of contents:

The Great Goblin Wood

On the eastern border of the Elf Empire, past the River Sleep, the woods grow knotted and strange. This is goblin country. There is little agreement what "goblin" truly means: does it refer to the creatures who infest this land? The process that changes them? The land itself? Some external force leaking into the land?

Whatever the truth, it is acceptable shorthand to refer to the diminutive, warped, spacetime-damaged beings native to the wood as goblins. Goblins are not born - they are changed. They have no children themselves and so are forced to kidnap the infants of other races. They heavily favor elves. This is the reason for the eternal elf-goblin war: for goblins, it is a matter of reproduction. Raids fill them with orgiastic zeal.

At the wood's heart lies a labyrinth. At the labyrinth's heart, a tower. This is the Tower of Change. Goblins, for whom navigating a maze is as natural as taking a breath, lay their captured children at the tower's door and return in a year and a day to find new goblins.

Every time you look at a goblin anew, something is a little off. Weren't its ears bigger? Its nose sharper? Goblins are never truly done changing. This impermanence of form means that goblins have a tendency to dematerialize, pass through walls, or rearrange their molecules to flow like liquid or float like gas. It also places them close to dreams. Goblin oneirists explore dreams - sometimes their own, sometimes others'.

The things goblins make often come off as parodies of the things other cultures might make. They love to buy and sell, but they place little stock in money. The Goblin Market has things for sale not found anywhere else, but expect to pay a heavy price. The greatest goblin export is spidersilk, a gift of the spider goddess Anansi and the spiders of the wood. Goblins fashion the silk into the sails of airships from which they launch their raids.

These are the tables I use to run the Great Goblin Wood, finished not a moment too soon because my players now find themselves deep in the wood. I know I sort of promised more regular posts of these region tables, but that's not going to happen. They take a long time to write. I kind of have to sit and daydream with each region for a while until I start to get a feel for what makes it tick. So, ten more regions are coming, but who knows when. Probably when my players get to them.

This also turned out to be my response to this Kotaku article about boring goblin fights, even though I was already working on it when the article was published. I'm not as down on Cecelia D'Anastasio as others have been - she does identify a real problem. My response is threefold: I give goblins Cheshire Cat powers, weirdass motivations and culture, and I make the environment of the wood itself part of the danger. Monsters without goals more defined than just "kill the PCs" will always be boring monsters. Also, the problems she has with D&D combat can be fixed with group initiative re-rolled every round.

To the tables:

Encounters by Terrain Type (d100)

Roll once per day of travel, more if you want. Re-roll after rolling weather events. Rolling over the highest number listed means no encounter.

Encounter	Knotty woods	Thorny bramble	Bog
spatial distortion (see following chart)	1-8	1-8	1-8
swamp gas	-	9-12	9-16
hallucinogenic spores	9-12	-	17-18
thick fog	13-20	13-20	19-26
rain	21-26	21-26	27-34
goblin war party	28-32	28-32	35-38
pig cavalry	33-34	-	39
scribble shaman	35-36	33-34	40
goblin merchants	37-38	-	-
changeling	39-40	35-36	41
displacer beast	41-42	37-38	42
balloon pig	43	-	-
creeping vine	-	39-41	43
fungoid	-	42-43	44
chiron crawler	-	-	-
spider goddess	44	44	-
spider emissaries	45-46	45-46	-
manticore	47-48	47-48	-
switch pig	49	49	-
id pig	50	50	-
nilbogs	51-54	51-54	45-46
rat alchemist	-	55	47
consuming fog	-	-	48-50
suicide pig	55	56	-
tsetse fly swarm	-	-	51-54
idiot birds	56-57	57-58	-
goblins in dragon costume	58	-	-

Encounter	Labyrinth	Geode cave	Goblin city
spatial distortion (see following chart)	1-8	-	-
swamp gas	-	1-8	-
hallucinogenic spores	-	9-10	-
thick fog	-	-	-
rain	-	-	1-8
goblin war party	9-16	11-12	9-20
pig cavalry	-	-	21-28
scribble shaman	17-20	13	29-32
goblin merchants	21-24	14	33-40
changeling	25	15	-
displacer beast	26	16	-
balloon pig	-	-	41-44
creeping vine	-	-	-
fungoid	-	17-20	-
chiron crawler	27-30	21	-
spider goddess	-	22	-
spider emissaries	-	23-24	45-48
manticore	-	-	49
switch pig	31	-	50
id pig	32	-	51
nilbogs	33-36	25-26	52-60
rat alchemist	-	27-28	61-64
consuming fog	-	-	-
suicide pig	37	-	-
tsetse fly swarm	-	-	-
idiot birds	38-40	-	65-68
goblins in dragon costume	-	29	69

Spatial Distortions (d8 or use the d100 encounter die number)

1. No matter how far the party travels today, it will end up exactly where it started.
2. The party will arrive at its destination tomorrow, no matter how far away it actually is.
3. The party can only get closer to its destination by moving away from it.
4. The party wakes up in an entirely random part of the wood.
5. The party wakes up outside the wood on the border nearest where it slept.
6. The party wakes up in the Goblin Market.
7. The party moves at half its normal speed today.
8. The party moves at ten times its normal speed today.

Treasure/Search the Body (d100)

d100	Treasure
1	Night Wood black candle, darkens room when lit
2	d4 orcish nuclear beast eggs, explode when thrown
3	Primeval Forest moss baby
4	icon of the Twilight Grail, ends one curse or affliction
5	northern whale lamp oil, burns underwater
6	Southern Isles lizard man rum
7	Lotus Straits bathyscope
8	goblin key, can lock any door
9	jeweled marionette from the Reach
10	account of a doomed expedition to the Land of Shadow and Flame
11	Rusted Land clockwork lamp, rubbing grants one very minor wish
12	Voivodjan mince pie
13	elven opium (Yoon-Suin p. 283)
14-63	gold equal to half dice roll
64	mask, fools any goblin (but only goblins) into thinking you're a goblin
65	fine spidersilk robes
66	imitation spidersilk robes, will make goblins mock you
67	spidersilk glider
68	vial of tsetse flies, carry sleeping sickness
69	scribble shaman chalk
70	nilbog blood, drinking makes you healed by damage for the next round
71	Spool of spider thread from Anansi herself - leaving a trail prevents distortions
72	airship bomb
73	vial of spider venom
74	very nice pocket lint
75	goblin liquor, Con save or lose 1 HP per drink
76	book of vulgar nursery rhymes
77	map of geode cave tunnels criss-crossing the wood, not subject to distortions
78	letter from one goblin noble to another, detailing plans to backstab a third
79	necklace of elf ears
80	crown of the Goblin King, return carries a reward
81	black iron manacles, prevents goblins from changing form
82	blowgun with tsetse fly darts
83	poem detailing where a goblin's treaure horde is hidden
84	invoice from Reach merchant, instructions to find the One Market
85	goblin map, looks like accurate map of region but gets all non-goblins lost
86	elfsear mushroom, CON save - pass: +2 WIS, fail: -2 WIS
87	purple amanita mushroom, causes lucid dreaming
88	bat wing mushroom, leaves eater open to dream invasion
89	green ghost mushroom, makes eater ethereal for several minutes
90	magic tattoo needle, creates living tattoos
91	random animal scribbled in chalk on slate, acts as that animal
92	spell-stealing egg, absorbs one spell that can be cast when cracked open
93	scroll of walk on wall/ceiling
94	delicious pastry, totally normal
95	papers of ownership for an airship in drydock for repairs
96	spidersilk sail, allows small boat to become an airship
97	clutch of spider eggs, will hatch into sons and daughters of Anansi
98	elven infant
99	spider, has important information to return to Anansi
100	goblin bone scribed with ash and chalk, consuming prolongs life but causes mutations

NPCs (d20)

1. goblin raider
2. goblin merchant
3. goblin shaman
4. pig knight
5. airship bombardier
6. spy
7. hermit wizard
8. fungus farmer
9. oneirist
10. lizardman separatists from Southern Isles
11. traveling merchant
12. orc scout
13. rat man
14. elf crusader
15. snail rider
16. idiot bird, goblin court attendant
17. goblin noble
18. spidersilk weaver
19. emissary of the spider goddess
20. Anansi, the spider goddess

Wilderness Locations (d10)

1. bog
2. labyrinth
3. geode cave
4. moving city on chicken legs
5. hedge maze
6. mushroom field (hallucinogenic)
7. misshaping pool
8. deep cave
9. spiderwebs
10. beanstalk

Settlement Locations (d10)

1. airship yards
2. drinking hole (think Star Wars cantina)
3. rat laboratory
4. menagerie of intelligent creatures
5. palace
6. pig stables
7. oneirist chamber
8. shaman's hut
9. spidersilk works
10. fortress

Dungeons (d4)

1. Goblin Market
2. web of Anansi, the spider goddess
3. Tower of Change
4. spire of Sarpedon the Shaper

Events (d8)

1. Four goblin nobles, three goblin merchants, two goblin children and a handsome shrew all claim to be Goblin King. Each develops a violent following, especially the shrew.
2. An assembly of mushroom-worshipping oneirists gather in a large mushroom field for the harvest festival.
3. A goblin merchant plots to kidnap one of the player characters to sell to an eccentric collector.
4. A giant in a floating castle recruits goblins for a campaign of terror across the world.
5. A procession of goblins carrying babies from the latest raid makes its way to the Labyrinth.
6. A ragtag flotilla of airships passes overhead on its way to raid the elf borderlands.
7. A great migration of the forest leaves the place unfamiliar even to seasoned inhabitants.
8. A hermit wizard claims to have unlocked the secret to eternal life by studying goblin anatomy.

Customs (d6)

1. Goblins of means compete to see who can be the worst host for travelers.
2. The upper classes get around via a network of underground geode cave tunnels.
3. You cannot truly trust someone until you have been inside each others’ dreams and lived to tell about it.
4. Offering to pay for something with money is an unforgivable offense.
5. It is customary to leave an offering of flies to the spiders before undertaking any great venture.
6. Goblins often claim the support of the Goblin King in disputes, but it is rude to ask who or where the Goblin King is.

The Elf Empire

Deep in a radioactive blue jungle lies the oldest standing empire in the world. It exists in a constant state of decay and decadence. Some say it survives because, not in spite, of its rampant political backstabbing and moral decrepitude.

Elves are magical, mischievous, charming, and deeply untrustworthy. Elves love fine food, spirits, clothes, and weapons, but hate work. The empire's greatest artisans, like its snail shell carvers, are pitied more than admired; they have mastered their craft so others don't have to.

The two finest military traditions are the acid knights and the raptor knights. Elves ride dinosaurs, did I neglect to mention that? The oldest magic schools in the world are in the capital, Five Leaves. The most prestigious accept only elves, but others attract students the world over. Elves have enslaved the lowly crab men and treat the lizard men (who held an empire in the same jungle ages ago) as second-class citizens. Slug men are highly valued as bureaucrats and functionaries.

These are the tables I use to run this region of my campaign setting. I fill in any gaps with Yoon-Suin and Cobalt Reach. I hope to make this a sorta-kinda weekly or semiweekly thing until I've finished up the tables for the other 11 regions I've got out there. Enjoy.

Encounters by Terrain Type (d100)

Roll once per day of travel, more if you want. Re-roll after rolling weather events. Rolling over the highest number listed means no encounter.

Encounter	Jungle	Mountain	Water	Wind-sculpted Rock
storm	1-8	1-10	1-9	1-8
mist	9-15	11-20	10-17	9-16
radiation	16	21	18	17-18
earthquake	17	22-24	19	19
jaguar	18-20	25	-	-
python	21-23	-	20-21	-
stegosaur	24-25	-	22-23	20-21
poison frog	26-27	-	24-25	-
gas spore	-	26	26	-
blue knight (cobalt)	28	27	-	22
jelly	29	-	27	-
parasaur	30-31	-	28-29	23
brachiosaur	32-33	-	30-32	24
tyrannosaur	-	-	-	25-27
ankylosaur	-	-	-	28-30
raptor	-	-	-	-
Ferox	-	28	33	31
plesiosaur	-	-	34-35	-
barracuda	-	-	36-37	-
elf palanquin	34	-	38	-
elf hunters	35	29	39	32
elf soldiers	36	30	40	33
elf entertainers	37	-	41	-
lizard men	38	31	42	34
slug men	39	-	43	-
crab men	40	32	44	-
pterodactyl	-	33-35	-	35
triceratops	41	-	45-46	36
elf magi	42	36	47	-
toxic fumes	-	-	-	-

Encounter	Sulfur Pools	Tall Grass	Bismuth Outcropping
storm	1-8	1-8	1-8
mist	9-16	9-16	9-16
radiation	17	17	17-18
earthquake	18	18	19
jaguar	-	19-20	-
python	-	-	-
stegosaur	19-20	21-22	20
poison frog	-	-	-
gas spore	21-23	-	21-22
blue knight (cobalt)	24	-	23
jelly	25	-	24
parasaur	26	-	-
brachiosaur	27	23	-
tyrannosaur	-	-	-
ankylosaur	28	-	25
raptor	-	24-27	26
Ferox	29	-	27
plesiosaur	-	-	-
barracuda	30	-	-
elf palanquin	-	28	-
elf hunters	31	29	28
elf soldiers	32	30	-
elf entertainers	-	31	-
lizard men	33	32	29
slug men	34	33	30
crab men	35	34	31
pterodactyl	-	-	32-33
triceratops	36	35-36	34
elf magi	37	37	35
toxic fumes	38-45	-	-

Treasure/Search the Body (d100)

(Switch up the ones not in bold every so often if you want.)

d100	Treasure
1	Night Wood black candle, darkens room when lit
2	d8 orcish nuclear beast eggs, explode when thrown
3	Primeval Forest moss baby
4	icon of the Twilight Grail, ends one curse or affliction
5	northern whale lamp oil, burns underwater
6	Southern Isles lizard man rum
7	Lotus Straits bathyscope
8	goblin key
9	jeweled marionette from the Reach
10	account of a doomed expedition to the Land of Shadow and Flame
11	Rusted Land clockwork lamp, rubbing grants one very minor wish
12	Voivodjan mince pie
13	elven opium (Yoon-Suin p. 283)
14-63	gold equal to 3x dice roll
64	elven brandy
65	tea (Yoon-Suin p. 287)
66	dinosaur bone statue
67	snail shell armor
68	siver dagger
69	baby pterodactyl
70	t rex tooth mace
71	raptor claw climbing boots
72	crab man pheromone gland
73	vial of acid
74	elven palm wine
75	black iron, burns elves and goblins
76	poached grubs in banana leaf
77	dates
78	vial of frog poison
79	treatise on dinosaur taming
80	minor wand
81	rumor dust, sprinkling over yourself prevents others from remembering you
82	carved alabaster idol of mystra
83	trick deck of cards
84	spellbook, d6 random decipherable spells up to level d6
85	ritual tattoo needles
86	2d20 finely made arrows
87	Codex Jaguar Rakshasa, summons the Jaguar Rakshasa
88	vial of slug man slime
89	elven violin
90	carmine beetle dye
91	dried mango
92	pocket hide canoe, grows in water
93	flailsnail shell armor, reflects spells
94	random scroll, level d8
95	d6 days of water and rations
96	stolen opium pipe, prized possession of a great house
97	dinosaur whistle, drives nearby dinosaurs crazy
98	highest quality silk worms
99	seeds of the strangler vine, grows overnight to smother an area the size of a bed
100	bone of a long-dead wizard, some magic left in it

NPCs (d20)

1. hunter
2. fisher
3. sailor
4. crab man slave
5. distiller/vintner
6. slug man bureaucrat
7. lizard man
8. musician
9. thief
10. priest
11. dinosaur trainer
12. merchant
13. wizard
14. shell carver
15. acid knight
16. raptor knight
17. concord of the moon
18. wizard-guru
19. Tymora cultist
20. imperial family

Wilderness Locations (d10)

1. lake
2. wind-sculpted rock
3. sulfur pools
4. tall grass
5. bismuth outcropping
6. hot springs
7. natural fission reactor
8. tentacle grass
9. lone castle
10. wizard tower

Settlement Locations (d10)

1. seafood shop
2. observatory
3. bazaar
4. brothel
5. tea house
6. opium den
7. fighting pits
8. exotic gardens
9. dinosaur training pens
10. magic school

Dungeons (d8 or place around your map)

1. mountain fortress of Ferox the Incinerator
2. acid knight citadel
3. caves of the raptor knights
4. step well home to a great and terrible oracle
5. den of the tyrannosaur Old One Eye
6. ruins of a long-abandoned elf city (Old City from Yoon-Suin)
7. The New School for Magick, oldest magic college in the empire
8. Lyches Scar, wasteland of a supposedly long-defeated necromancer

Events (d10)

1. Merchants with strange appetites from the Southern Isles arrive to negotiate opium and tea trade.
2. Assassins of the Concord of the Moon plot the demise of important citizens unfaithful to Mystra.
3. The grande dame of a noble house, barely holding her bitterly divided family together, finally dies.
4. The empress's favorite fool is discovered tossed down a well with the note, "Thus drowns wisdom," pinned to the body.
5. Heavily armed collectors enforce a snails tax: d100 gp for each snail shell possessed.
6. Raiders from the Goblin Wood steal elf babies to further their race.
7. A traveling entertainer troupe and menagerie arrives in the city, while reports of nightly murders begin.
8. A magic school hosts a debate between two famous wizard-gurus. Tension mounts between partisans of each.
9. Feast day of a saint of Mystra, complete with dinosaur jousts.
10. The acid knights announce a crusade against the orc barbarians to the east and will pay for advance scouts.

Customs (d8 or choose for particular locations)

1. Beggars are highly regarded, always shown deference on the street and frequently sought for counsel.
2. All business of note is conducted in the tea houses and opium dens, so those who do not partake are excluded from power.
3. Exotic botany is almost a sport for the aristocracy. Collectors will go to any length for rare and unusual specimens from parts unknown.
4. Elves constantly try to trick and cheat one another as a matter of course. Complaining about this is extremely bad form.
5. The moon is considered beautiful and holy, the sun garish and vulgar. Religious ceremonies are held only at night.
6. None but the local nobility is permitted to carry weapons in public.
7. Babies must be marked with a crescent moon in pig's blood on the forehead nightly, or be stolen by goblins.
8. Flailsnails are both worshipped and feared for their ability to reflect spells cast on them. It is forbidden to kill one, but their shells make powerful, magic-defying armor.

Next up: the Great Goblin Wood.